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This document was last modified 9/18/2015 2:10:19 PM

Shedding A Little Light On Religion

HOW MANY DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

  1. How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
  2. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

  3. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
  4. None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and trust the light bulb to be on for the appointed time and will only be changed apart from works.

  5. How many Armenians does it take to change a light bulb?
  6. All. They need everyone to make sure it stays on. One can never really be sure.

  7. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
  8. Change???

  9. How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
  10. No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and dark.

  11. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
  12. One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

  13. How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
  14. Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

  15. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
  16. At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

  17. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
  18. None. They always use candles.

  19. How many members of an established fundamental Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?

    One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

  20. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
  21. This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted-all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

  22. How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
  23. "What's a light bulb?"

  24. How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
  25. Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.

  26. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
  27. 109 = Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Subcommittee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of 5 who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member Church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which Hardware Store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who, then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

    -Author unknown

    Additions by ARK

  28. How many Atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
  29. None. There is no light bulb and we don't need one anyway!

  30. How many Eastern Mystics does it take to change a light bulb?
  31. None or all of them. They just wait until the next light bulb's reincarnation!

9:43 PM 5/6/2000